Divorce and Spirituality
As I mentioned in my last post, amicable divorce does not equal "good" divorce. In fact, as much as I would, in my heart, desire as much, I'm not even convinced that I can remain a friend to my ex.
As I actively more forward and onward, I tried repeatedly to extend an olive branch. This branch has been rejected repeatedly.
I'm not one to have ulterior motives. I generally make it a point to honor my friends in a selfless and truly friendly manner. But at the same time, I want to reset my life. For the entirety of my marriage, I did not attend Mass. Apart from accepting a couple of invites to whatever evangelical outfit my ex attended, I really didn't go to church. In this time of major change, my best friend from Annapolis, along with his wife, suggested I turn back to Catholicism. There were a few reasons why I initially hesitated. First, I thought being away for so long would be a barrier (it isn't as far as I can tell). Second, I thought my divorce would make me ineligible to receive the Sacraments (that's a common misconception; a divorced Catholic can in fact receive the Sacraments so long as the individual does not enter into a marriage without first attaining an annulment - the Church considers a second marriage to be adultery if the ex spouse is still alive or if an annulment has not been granted). My friend and other Catholics clarified these points with me. Incidentally, I had attended a Mass/Celebration of life in Boston in mid-July and again by the invitation of Ray and Louise Terry* in Memphis. I attended a third time with my friend and his family in Virginia and, last week, I attended on my own. I will attend this coming weekend and intend to continue regaining my faith and spirituality.
While I'm in no hurry to remarry at this time, I want to shape the battlefield and fully close my failed marriage. I may have asked too early but I communicated with the ex via text that I want to get and annulment and that it would eventually entail the "Church Court" contacting her. My entering argument is that my marriage was never valid in the eyes of the Church. She was not of the same faith, we did not attend Pre-Cana classes, and a host of other reasons. Her rebuttal was that she was in fact baptized and thus is technically a Catholic. However, that baptism was (according to her) without the consent of her Evangelical mother or of her Catholic father. While the Church does in fact baptize children in infancy, she has never received any of the other Sacraments and was never Confirmed. Thus, I would argue back that I'm at least Confirmed (and have the papers to prove it or could attain the papers from my parish in California). The last bit, which really offended me, was that she told me I was faking it, that I'm no Catholic at all, and that my past behavior and evolving beliefs make it so. I vehemently disagree. I used to think it was a farce when prisoners experienced religious conversions. I no longer think this. Religion rewards you for what you can achieve in the future as a good person. Religion, at least my conception of Christianity, holds that as long as one is with the living, that person can repent for their sins, become better people, and achieve Salvation. I did a lot of stupid shit in the past but I have a chance to make myself good. We all have the chance to make ourselves right. Religion rewards looking forward vice living in the past. I experienced immense pain during the last two years to include a near-death experience and I somehow am in good health today and I'm seeing it as God giving me a chance. I have to believe this time.
While that discussion turned adversarial, I reflected on the bigger picture. There are many denominations of Christianity. I was actually raised in the Roman Catholic and the Episcopal churches and semi-regularly attended Episcopal Mass with my paternal relatives. If I were to remarry without an annulment, I would easily switch my allegiance to the Anglican Union. Or if I married outside Catholicism (as I did when I married my now-ex), I could convert to her religion (even a non-Christian faith if that'd be the case).
Religion/spirituality are more than the name of the organization. It is a personal matter. It is, for me, one of several mechanisms to help me remain resilient as I move on from my failed marriage and the associated emotional baggage. I will be right in the end.
*Ray Terry prosecuted the murderers of Goodman, Chaney, and Schwerner. He also prosecuted the man who shot James Meredith (the first Black to graduate from Ole Miss and who was on a solo march for Civil Rights). His mother became known for standing up to the Klan when she accepted integration at her place of employment. Ray and Louise are awesome people and I'm honored to have been able to break bread with them. I and the others on our Civil Rights Tour (see my earlier blog) are always welcome at their home.
http://archive.commercialappeal.com/columnists/david-waters/civil-rights-anniversaries-remind-us-how-individuals-moments-change-history-3450c4e5-2874-3e67-e053--381864321.html
As I actively more forward and onward, I tried repeatedly to extend an olive branch. This branch has been rejected repeatedly.
I'm not one to have ulterior motives. I generally make it a point to honor my friends in a selfless and truly friendly manner. But at the same time, I want to reset my life. For the entirety of my marriage, I did not attend Mass. Apart from accepting a couple of invites to whatever evangelical outfit my ex attended, I really didn't go to church. In this time of major change, my best friend from Annapolis, along with his wife, suggested I turn back to Catholicism. There were a few reasons why I initially hesitated. First, I thought being away for so long would be a barrier (it isn't as far as I can tell). Second, I thought my divorce would make me ineligible to receive the Sacraments (that's a common misconception; a divorced Catholic can in fact receive the Sacraments so long as the individual does not enter into a marriage without first attaining an annulment - the Church considers a second marriage to be adultery if the ex spouse is still alive or if an annulment has not been granted). My friend and other Catholics clarified these points with me. Incidentally, I had attended a Mass/Celebration of life in Boston in mid-July and again by the invitation of Ray and Louise Terry* in Memphis. I attended a third time with my friend and his family in Virginia and, last week, I attended on my own. I will attend this coming weekend and intend to continue regaining my faith and spirituality.
While I'm in no hurry to remarry at this time, I want to shape the battlefield and fully close my failed marriage. I may have asked too early but I communicated with the ex via text that I want to get and annulment and that it would eventually entail the "Church Court" contacting her. My entering argument is that my marriage was never valid in the eyes of the Church. She was not of the same faith, we did not attend Pre-Cana classes, and a host of other reasons. Her rebuttal was that she was in fact baptized and thus is technically a Catholic. However, that baptism was (according to her) without the consent of her Evangelical mother or of her Catholic father. While the Church does in fact baptize children in infancy, she has never received any of the other Sacraments and was never Confirmed. Thus, I would argue back that I'm at least Confirmed (and have the papers to prove it or could attain the papers from my parish in California). The last bit, which really offended me, was that she told me I was faking it, that I'm no Catholic at all, and that my past behavior and evolving beliefs make it so. I vehemently disagree. I used to think it was a farce when prisoners experienced religious conversions. I no longer think this. Religion rewards you for what you can achieve in the future as a good person. Religion, at least my conception of Christianity, holds that as long as one is with the living, that person can repent for their sins, become better people, and achieve Salvation. I did a lot of stupid shit in the past but I have a chance to make myself good. We all have the chance to make ourselves right. Religion rewards looking forward vice living in the past. I experienced immense pain during the last two years to include a near-death experience and I somehow am in good health today and I'm seeing it as God giving me a chance. I have to believe this time.
While that discussion turned adversarial, I reflected on the bigger picture. There are many denominations of Christianity. I was actually raised in the Roman Catholic and the Episcopal churches and semi-regularly attended Episcopal Mass with my paternal relatives. If I were to remarry without an annulment, I would easily switch my allegiance to the Anglican Union. Or if I married outside Catholicism (as I did when I married my now-ex), I could convert to her religion (even a non-Christian faith if that'd be the case).
Religion/spirituality are more than the name of the organization. It is a personal matter. It is, for me, one of several mechanisms to help me remain resilient as I move on from my failed marriage and the associated emotional baggage. I will be right in the end.
*Ray Terry prosecuted the murderers of Goodman, Chaney, and Schwerner. He also prosecuted the man who shot James Meredith (the first Black to graduate from Ole Miss and who was on a solo march for Civil Rights). His mother became known for standing up to the Klan when she accepted integration at her place of employment. Ray and Louise are awesome people and I'm honored to have been able to break bread with them. I and the others on our Civil Rights Tour (see my earlier blog) are always welcome at their home.
http://archive.commercialappeal.com/columnists/david-waters/civil-rights-anniversaries-remind-us-how-individuals-moments-change-history-3450c4e5-2874-3e67-e053--381864321.html
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