Approaching my first Annivorcery
I divorced my first wife a year ago. Hard to believe how quickly the time has gone by. It was a long journey getting there as I had originally intended to divorce her in July of 2017. I cancelled the divorce at her request two days before the scheduled hearing. I relocated to Maryland while she stayed in Florida with our child. I tried to make it work but in the end, I came to the realization that we were not compatible and in retrospect should never have been married. I have a few takeaways from this:
1. It can take many years to know if you and your spouse/life partner are right for each other or not.
I was 23 when I married my first wife and it was a whirlwind for many years. Married, then a move out of state, then pregnant within six months of being married, then moving her back to California so she could have the baby around family while I was on deployment, then move back to where I was assigned, then moving to California for my next assignment eight months later, then deployment, then move across the country, then go to grad school, then move to Florida, then deploy, then do other things, then move to Virginia, then deploy, then more business, then move to New England, then do more things, then move back to Florida . . . In short, I was too busy for too long to realize the marriage was going to fail. I think this is a reason why so many people stay in toxic relationships for so long, particularly if there is abuse. I was emotionally abused for years but it was easy to look past it and want to only see the positive aspects of the marriage.
2. Don't be afraid to end the marriage once you realize it isn't right.
For me, it took a couple of major events to get me moving toward divorce. I was scared. It's intimidating. I was very lucky to go through an amicable divorce. Yes, it will cost money and time to draft the marital settlement agreement, but it will be better when it is finalized.
3. Children do not get a vote.
That's right. Children do not get to participate in the decision-making. That's one that I'm having to deal with. I was talking on the phone with my ex last week and she expressed to me that she wants to date but doesn't feel she could bring a significant other around our child. My ex and child both resent that I married again. They can feel that way, but I am not accountable to either of them for the decision I made to remarry. My advice to my ex is to go out and date. Go out and find a dude who is a better match than I ever was for her. And bring that dude into our child's life. My parents were never beholden to me and I'll be damned if I'm going to answer to my child.
4. You're going to miss out on things if you have a child.
This is the one that still bums me out. My child does not live with me. She's in high school. That means I'm missing out on most of the things she's doing. Not much I can do about that.
5. When you do decide to remarry, make the effort to find a better match.
My ex and I value different things. For example, I value education and long-term planning. I also tend to meet others where they are. I never try to change anyone. My ex, on the other hand, is a polar opposite. My current wife is a much-better match for me in all these ways. And I'm a lot happier.
6. The passage of time brings clarity.
I'm not going to turn this into a the long list of grievances in the manner of Martin Luther, but I will say that the past couple years have given me clarity to understand and appreciate the reality of my first marriage. If the reader gets a divorce, they will understand this.
I divorced my first wife a year ago. Hard to believe how quickly the time has gone by. It was a long journey getting there as I had originally intended to divorce her in July of 2017. I cancelled the divorce at her request two days before the scheduled hearing. I relocated to Maryland while she stayed in Florida with our child. I tried to make it work but in the end, I came to the realization that we were not compatible and in retrospect should never have been married. I have a few takeaways from this:
1. It can take many years to know if you and your spouse/life partner are right for each other or not.
I was 23 when I married my first wife and it was a whirlwind for many years. Married, then a move out of state, then pregnant within six months of being married, then moving her back to California so she could have the baby around family while I was on deployment, then move back to where I was assigned, then moving to California for my next assignment eight months later, then deployment, then move across the country, then go to grad school, then move to Florida, then deploy, then do other things, then move to Virginia, then deploy, then more business, then move to New England, then do more things, then move back to Florida . . . In short, I was too busy for too long to realize the marriage was going to fail. I think this is a reason why so many people stay in toxic relationships for so long, particularly if there is abuse. I was emotionally abused for years but it was easy to look past it and want to only see the positive aspects of the marriage.
2. Don't be afraid to end the marriage once you realize it isn't right.
For me, it took a couple of major events to get me moving toward divorce. I was scared. It's intimidating. I was very lucky to go through an amicable divorce. Yes, it will cost money and time to draft the marital settlement agreement, but it will be better when it is finalized.
3. Children do not get a vote.
That's right. Children do not get to participate in the decision-making. That's one that I'm having to deal with. I was talking on the phone with my ex last week and she expressed to me that she wants to date but doesn't feel she could bring a significant other around our child. My ex and child both resent that I married again. They can feel that way, but I am not accountable to either of them for the decision I made to remarry. My advice to my ex is to go out and date. Go out and find a dude who is a better match than I ever was for her. And bring that dude into our child's life. My parents were never beholden to me and I'll be damned if I'm going to answer to my child.
4. You're going to miss out on things if you have a child.
This is the one that still bums me out. My child does not live with me. She's in high school. That means I'm missing out on most of the things she's doing. Not much I can do about that.
5. When you do decide to remarry, make the effort to find a better match.
My ex and I value different things. For example, I value education and long-term planning. I also tend to meet others where they are. I never try to change anyone. My ex, on the other hand, is a polar opposite. My current wife is a much-better match for me in all these ways. And I'm a lot happier.
6. The passage of time brings clarity.
I'm not going to turn this into a the long list of grievances in the manner of Martin Luther, but I will say that the past couple years have given me clarity to understand and appreciate the reality of my first marriage. If the reader gets a divorce, they will understand this.
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